If Only?

An essay on how I moved past my 'If Only' moments in life by learning from failures

“If only.

Means you wanted something but did not get it.

For some reason, either by your own incompetence, or the world’s intervention, it did not happen.

Sometimes this is just the breaks we need to bow out gracefully.

But more often than we can care to admit, we don’t get what we want.

Because we quit early or we didn’t take the necessary risk to get it.

The more boots we put on the back side of our “if onlys”, the more we will get what we want.

Don’t walk the “it’s too late” or “it’s too soon” tightrope until you die. “

- Matthey Mccounaughey

I often come across the term “if only” in my professional life as an investment manager.

If only I had invested in that stock? I would have made 100x returns.

If only I had not invested in that stock. I would have saved 30% of my capital.

This term is used by clients, me, and almost the entire investment community.

‘If only’ in this situation hurts even more when you have spent a decent amount of time studying or researching a company and see it pass you by, or when you spend time and that stock still goes down regardless.

This learning from investing and the stock markets has extended into my personal life.

If only I had told her how I felt when she was around.

If only I had worked harder I would have gotten that promotion.

If only I had taken better care of my health, I wouldn't be dealing with these issues now.

Once you acknowledge that you have done everything you could have possibly done to achieve something or for the situation, but you still haven’t managed to do it or achieve it, you will stop asking this question.

‘If only’ generally implies that we have not learned to be at peace with the past.

It is hard to get over the ‘If only’ moments in life without experiencing moments of regret and failure, but acknowledging that it was all in the past is the key to a peaceful life.

With my learnings from the stock market, I have also reduced the usage of the phrases “what if,” “could have,” “if only” and “should have.” These terms serve us no purpose.

If my mind gives me an ‘If only’ moment now, it means that I probably hadn’t done all I could during that situation in the past.

I have more or less completely removed ‘If only’ from my personal dictionary, and it has brought me a great deal of peace.

This helped me let go of the excess baggage from various aspects of my past and taught me how to move on in life, making peace with failures and mistakes

It's not easy, and it's practically impossible to avoid ‘If only’ moments. They will always be with you for the rest of your life but the way to inner peace is by acknowledging the definition of this phrase and its manifestation in life.

In economics and business, ‘If Only’ manifests itself as opportunity costs, I wrote a long-form piece on this.

Opportunity costs are the costs you bear by pursuing one activity, which means you will surely miss out on doing another and you will ask yourself ‘If Only’

There is a great story by Admiral Stockdale about how facing brutal facts is necessary for life so as not to fool ourselves. I would say this paradox can be used to get past our 'If Only’ moments.

It is called the Stockdale Paradox.

The Stockdale Paradox is named after Admiral James Stockdale, who was a prisoner of war in the infamous "Hanoi Hilton" during the Vietnam War from 1965 to 1972. Shot down and captured, Stockdale was the highest-ranking officer in the camp. His survival depended on the resilience of his mind, as the prisoners had little control over their bodies or their release dates—those decisions were in the hands of the guards.

After his release, Stockdale was asked how he managed to endure such a harsh environment. He explained that it wasn't the optimists who survived. Those who constantly believed they would be released by Christmas often suffered the most and many died when their expectations weren't met. Stockdale emphasized that survival required balancing hope with clear-eyed realism. Recognizing the brutal reality of their situation while maintaining hope for the future was crucial for enduring the prolonged hardship of captivity

And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. The prisoners would ask:

‘What If we are out by Easter’

Easter would come, and Easter would go, they were still in prison.

‘What If we are out by Thanksgiving’

And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.

Facing the brutal facts of our life as explained from the Stockdale Paradox is the only way to get past the phrase ‘If Only’

That being said, don’t fear facing an ‘If Only’ moment in the future, and allow yourself to make mistakes.

A person who never made a mistake, never really tried anything new.

Life is meant for trying new things and trying new things will almost certainly imply failure and regret at some point.

Author, Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette puts this brilliantly:

"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm”

My “If only” moments and getting over these moments are what shaped me as a human being today.

I will end this short piece with a beautiful dialogue by Confucious that has stayed with me:

Regret is living in the past

Anxiety is living in the future

Peace is living in the present

Conclusion

‘If only’ serves no purpose. The moment is in the past.

The faster we get this phrase out of our lives, the more at peace we will be.

Ironically, we can only learn this after experiencing our ‘If Only’ moments on a personal level and then learning to move on from them.