"I Love You" and "Let's Make Love"- What's the Difference?

The two hormones that dictate pleasure and happiness in our brains

Remember the last time you posted on Instagram about a great holiday and felt frustrated because your post didn’t get enough likes even though you enjoyed that holiday to the fullest with your loved ones?

Well, here lies the difference between pleasure and happiness.

I recently finished reading a fascinating book called “The Hacking of the American Mind” by Dr. Robert Lustig and stumbled across a fascinating scientific reason for the difference between pleasure and happiness. 

These two feelings are regulated by different parts of the brain, involving separate chemicals and pathways, and have distinct physiological and psychological outcomes. 

How they work independently and together is what separates pleasure and happiness.

The former feeling of the reward of the like on your picture is governed by dopamine while the latter feeling of contentment of the holiday is governed by serotonin.

Observe these two sentences:

“I love you.

Let’s make love.” 

As similar as these sentences sound, their meanings and purposes are driven by two completely different biochemical reactions.

Love is driven by contentment, which is regulated by serotonin, while physical desire is driven by the desire for reward, which is regulated by dopamine.

“I love you” comes from that feeling of contentment while “Let’s make love” comes from the desire for reward or pleasure during the moment.

Society uses these words interchangeably, but scientifically, these two emotions are governed by two completely different hormones.

Dopamine is an excitatory neurotransmitter, meaning that the neuron gets stimulated with its use, which can lead to brain damage or addiction to the wrong behaviors if it is excessively provided.

Serotonin is an inhibitory neurotransmitter, and unlike dopamine, your brain can’t overdose on it. There are 14 different serotonin receptors and each has various functions.

However, higher levels of dopamine and the pursuit of its rewards can potentially impact the functioning of serotonin as both neurotransmitters have a role to play in mood and emotional processing, potentially leading to mood imbalances.

Let’s first break down the science and then move ahead to the real-life examples:

Dopamine- The Reward/Pleasure Hormone

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that communicates between nerve cells in the brain and is linked to mood, motivation, sleep, and many other functions in the body! 

As defined by Dr Anna Lembke in her book Dopamine Nation our brain is like a see-saw and to maintain equilibrium and healthy functioning, we need to balance activities to ensure we are releasing the right kind of dopamine.

Activities that tilt the balance toward the “pain'“ side of the brain release good and sustained dopamine which makes you feel better for longer:

• Exercising

• Eating Healthy

• Taking up challenging tasks at work or in your personal life

The above are dopamine-inducing tasks that could also lead to a release of serotonin.

However, chasing dopamine does not necessarily translate to the release of serotonin.

Activities that tilt the balance toward the "pleasure" side of the brain release "easy or cheap" dopamine, making you crave more and need more of the drug to feel better:

• Scrolling endlessly on social media

• Eating junk and sweet food

• Substance abuse, pornography

• Buying unnecessary items or shopping excessively

Cheap dopamine can also be better understood by the law of diminishing marginal utility in economics, which states that as a person consumes more units of a good or service, the additional satisfaction (utility) gained from consuming each subsequent unit decreases.

This means that the first unit of consumption typically provides the highest utility, and each additional unit provides progressively less utility.

Think about eating your favorite chocolate every day and then not finding that much happiness in it as you eat more of it every day.

So which type of dopamine you chase is really important in finding pleasure and being truly satisfied.

Serotonin- The Happiness/Contentment Hormone 

Serotonin is also known as the happy hormone.

Serotonin regulates mood, emotions, and overall well-being. It also plays a role in various physiological functions, including digestion and sleep regulation.

Serotonin is made naturally in the brain, but a large part of it is also made from the essential amino acid tryptophan.

Tryptophan can be naturally obtained from our diets and is found in protein-rich foods such as milk, eggs, fish, paneer, or even fats like nuts.

This tryptophan has to be obtained from food, so the poorer your diet, the less serotonin your body will produce.

In fact a large-scale meta-analysis of 150,000+ participants was conducted in 2019 showing how fish consumption caused lower chances of depression in subjects.

Another study, albeit a smaller one, also showed how Omega 3 supplementation reduced suicidal behavior and depression in patients.

Most of this tryptophan consumed is also going to be used by the gut to produce serotonin, only 1% goes to the brain. Your brain has a separate serotonin factory, where it produces it by itself.

Unlike dopamine, there is no good or bad serotonin. Serotonin is generally only good.

The key difference between dopamine and serotonin is that the latter stabilizes mood and creates feelings of contentment.

Where are these hormones regulated?

1. Ventral Tegmental Area and Nucleus Accumbens, “The Reward Pathways”

Neurons from this area of the brain fire and send a signal to the nucleus accumbens part of the brain to generate feelings of motivation and reward. The nucleus accumbens is the center for learning what pleasures feel good. 

The neurons then release a set of chemicals known as endogenous opioid peptides (EOPs), which generate that feeling of pleasure, this is where dopamine is regulated.

2. Dorsal Raphe Nucleus, “The Contentment Pathway”

This part of the brain contains neurons that produce serotonin, which fan out to distant sites all over the cerebral cortex, the thinking part of the brain where you process judgment and feelings of happiness and contentment.

Serotonin acts in different ways on different neurons depending on each neuron's type and function.

The book also further dives into the history of these words, and the scientific rationale of these feelings is similar to the historical origins of the words.

Pleasure is derived from the French word “plaisir” which means “to please”, and is defined as the concept of gratification or reward. 

The meaning of this definition:

1. It is immediate 

2. It provides some level of excitement and amusement 

3. It is dependent on circumstance

Happiness is defined by the Aristotelian concept of “eudaimonia,” which means contentment or well-being.

The meaning of this definition:

1. It’s about life, not the afterlife 

2. It’s not prone to acute changes in one’s life

3. It is unrelated to circumstance, so anyone can be happy, not just the rich and powerful

Modern-day technology and social pleasures have greatly made a mistake between these two feelings. 

Now that we are clear about the scientific working of pleasure and happiness, Dr. Lustig explains real phenomenons in life where one can identify the difference between the two with seven sharp pointers: 

1. Reward = Dopamine, Happiness = Serotonin

Reward or pleasure is driven by dopamine, and contentment by serotonin. Each is a neurotransmitter in the brain that drives feelings and emotions but the two couldn’t be more different.

2. Reward is short-lived.

Imagine eating a lovely meal at the moment or ordering some great food. You experience it and then you probably forget it eventually.

Contentment is more long-term and lasting. Enjoying that meal with your partner, your family, your friend, or even in solitude if you are content in life, creates a memory that is much more long-lasting, even despite the quality of the meal.

3. Pleasure is thrilling while contentment is calming

Pleasure activates the body’s fight or flight system, which causes blood pressure and heart rate to go up (e.g., a casino, a football game, or an intimate activity).

Contentment is more calming in nature; it makes your heart rate go down and your blood pressure decline (e.g., hugging someone, meditating, reading a calming book).

4. Pleasure can be achieved by substance abuse while contentment cannot

Pleasure can be achieved through different substances such as sugar, nicotine, caffeine, and alcohol. The next time, we need more of these substances to feel better.

It is important to know what activities we are doing to give us pleasure and how much control we have over them, as a human being cannot live a life without having pleasure.

For example, studying hard for an exam, working on a difficult project, having a challenging conversation in a relationship, or working out a little extra brings about "good dopamine." These activities have positive benefits and can lead to a sustained release of longer-lasting dopamine, which can make you happy.

Contentment is usually achieved with deeds like helping a person out, working as a team and not for one’s selfish desire, showing love to your parents, and guiding your child. We do not need more of this on a continuous basis to feel better; acts of contentment keep you happy for much longer.

5. Contement is achieved by giving while pleasure is achieved through taking

Pleasure or rewards are short-term feelings of taking, like gambling or winning an argument.

Contentment can be achieved only by giving, such as giving money to a charity or a cause, accepting defeat in an argument, or devoting time to a worthwhile project.

I had come across a similar phenomenon explained by Adam Grant in his book Give and Take, where he quotes a study done by psychologist Shalom Schwartz on representatives of thousands of candidates from various countries highlighting what people want most, the takers showed the traits of List 1 while the givers of list 2:

List 1

Wealth (Money, Material Possessions)

Power (Dominance, Control)

Pleasure (Enjoying Life)

Winning (Doing better than others)

List 2 

Helpfulness (Working for the well-being of others)
Responsibility (Being dependable)

Social Justice (Caring for the disadvantaged)

Compassion (Responding to the needs of others)

6. Pleasure is achieved alone while contentment is shared

Pleasure and reward are yours alone. Your sense of reward does not impact anyone else.

However, your contentment can result from your direct impact on someone else and can affect society at large.

Posting on LinkedIn and receiving a tremendous number of likes for your individual brilliance will give you a dopamine hit of reward at that moment. There is nothing wrong with this, but we should not be disappointed if this feeling doesn’t last for long.

Doing the actual groundwork and impacting our company or the people around us with our work is what will make us feel satisfied over the long term.

Dinner at a fancy restaurant can generate simultaneous pleasure from the food and wine but sharing a picture on Instagram for likes due to great aesthetics is us seeking the reward of attention.

Real contentment is from sharing it with other people or truly enjoying it by yourself without having the need to constantly post it on social media to seek the attention reward.

With cheap pleasure, we are looking for outward objects to fulfill our requirements. 

A study done in 2010 showed that individuals who wanted to escape loneliness and social anxiety reverted to more use of the internet which led to feelings of satisfaction in the moment but not contentment because they would keep coming back for more.

“If we don’t teach our children how to be alone, then they will always be lonely” 

Happiness is independent, you do not need any outward object to fulfill that feeling. 

As philosophical as all this sounds, there is actually a scientific rationale behind it, as we have learned.

7. You cannot overdose on contentment but you can overdose on pleasure

Too much reward can lead us to misery like food, drugs, nicotine, alcohol, or behaviors like scrolling the internet, sex, shopping, and gambling. Doing more of it is harmful.

Just because a thing entertains you, tastes good to you, or looks good to you it does not ‘necessarily’ translate to happiness.

Conversely walking in the woods or playing with your children for a longer time can bring you more contentment and doing more of it is not harmful.

This being said, humans need rewards. If we don’t get rewards we won’t be motivated to do a lot of the things we do but we should not confuse ourselves that the reward will lead to happiness.  Reward is needed for the survival of a species. 

The problems arise when we chase too much cheap dopamine in the hope of contentment, the need for this form of dopamine overrides our serotonin receptors.

Conclusion 

Understanding what makes us happy and what makes us content is key to a fulfilling life.

Pleasure is important for us as human beings because we need to be rewarded for our efforts; however, this does not mean it will make us happy.

What gives us pleasure is not necessarily what will make us happy. We need to understand how the body signals these two feelings and act accordingly.